Realizing
by Chui87
Summary: Just a short drabble. Burke and Cristina. This has already been posted in MTC.


A/N: This is just a quick drabble I hope you like it.

**Realizing**

_I don't know how this happened or when._

In what point in time had she let all of this in? She should've never let her guard down. She never did actually, until she got here, until she started making friends with this people, until she started falling in love. _Falling in love? For God's sake, what am I? A preschooler?_ And as hard as she might try to conceal it she knew it was true. She had fallen and she had fallen very deep and now she didn't know how to control her feelings. What she felt was something so big it overwhelmed her. It felt bigger than herself and it made her think twice about her decisions because whatever she decided would affect _them_. Thinking twice, it was definitely not her style, it made her doubt about herself and she never liked doubting. She was a decided, determined, clean-cut kind of person. In her life she had learned that emotions, feelings and attachments made everything messy and unfocused and fuzzy and all the things she always avoid because, as an extremist, she couldn't stand ambiguity.

But she wasn't the same and she knew it. She had lost that thing. _I had an edge and I've lost it._ The thing that made her the best. The thing that she had spent her life building around her. Inside her. The ability to not care, to let everything slide, to be only committed to her career. Somewhere along the journey into her internship it had slowly faded away. It had been so slowly that she hadn't notice. Until he got shot. Until she cut the wire.

_A sane person, a person who values her career and everything she's worked for, a person who values her own heart for God's sake, that person would run_. But she realized it had become too hard to keep running. She just couldn't do it anymore. She had to stay. She had to stick. Because that's who she was now.

_None of this would've happened if you were thinking with your head_. When did _she,_ Cristina Yang, stop thinking with her head? Maybe it had been when she lost their baby. That experience had turn out to be a lot more painful than what she'd expected. Up until that moment, when she was lying in bed feeling all the emptiness her 'edge' had drove her to get, she realize she wanted the baby. She was always alone but she never felt empty. At least not like she did that day. Or maybe it was when she told him she loved him. It could also be the moment she told her friends there were no victim and they all had to stick together. It wasn't clear to her, nothing was anymore, and that was the only thing she knew for certain now. That, and the fact that she'll never feel empty or alone again. Because she was sticking. Because she wasn't thinking anymore. She was feeling.

She was never the type to be afraid of being alone. She felt it was her choice. If she wanted to be with someone she would, but she never did. Not like she did now anyways.

She had become dependent because somehow she had found it was a necessity to be with him. He was the only one she wanted to be with when she lost their baby. He was the only one who made her feel whole again. And, even though she would never admit it, it was because of her friend's unbelievably stupid idea about stealing a heart that she realized it. If Izzie wouldn't have cut the wire she would've never seen Burke lying in bed and she would've never realize it was her turn to take steps. To be there for him. Because not doing so, meant parting from him forever.  
She was scare out of her mind when she found out he got shot. She was even more scared when he asked her to tell him what to do. And she wasn't strong enough to do so. Because if something went wrong it would be her fault. And that made her run. The fear he would leave her. The fear he would die. He couldn't die now… or ever. It would've been too much for her to handle. _Don't ever die._ She couldn't bare the idea of losing someone she loved… again.   
But seeing Izzie next to Denny's lifeless body made real the fact that living without him, knowing she could still be with him, losing him because she chose to, was the worst mistake she could ever make. Because Burke wasn't a choice anymore. He was a necessity. 

_We don't have sex anymore_ she wondered as she heard his heart beating under her ear. The beats rhythmically matching the rising and falling of his chest. This was the only place where she could truly think. The only place she found calmness. She had became so use to that place above his chest she couldn't sleep alone anymore. They didn't have sex anymore. It was neither hunger nor lust. It was something much more deeper. Something more meaningful. It was tender. It was slower. And everytime they did it, it was like a choreograph dance. They were in total sync. He had started. He took her clothes off slower, he caressed her skin longer, he smelled her hair, he gently kissed her chest, he held her hand. She didn't remember when was the first time he did it but she knew he had started and she had fallow. _As always._ She wasn't sure when she had started doing the same either but he was. As they laid in bed together he began thinking of the first time she made love to him and how she had been the one to look for the grasp of his hand as if she needed to hold it to get some balance so she wouldn't fall, like a little girl who's giving her first steps. It had been the morning after he had to remove a bomb from a man's chest. That night he dreamt Cristina was telling him that she loved him. The next morning she waked him up to make love to him and he knew he hadn't dream it. Cristina actually told him she loved him. It was the look in her eyes before she kissed him, the way she held his face in her hands, the tender touches on his forehead and how she wanted to be closer to him. It was like the fact that he was _in_ her wasn't enough. She wanted to fuse with him. And at that moment he knew he could never leave her. Because she needed him. The way she held him close and pulled him closer and closer told him she needed him. She gave up her precious space because he was in it and she _needed_ him to be in it. All of her space was as much as hers as it was his. She had no space anymore, _he_ had no space anymore, it was theirs. He was almost sure she had never realize it but at the same time she was thinking _We don't have sex anymore. __We make love._


End file.
